25/12/2013
Ignorance is bliss! Never has a saying been so true in my opinion. My issue has been what is really going on compared to what I think is really going on, and believe me in addiction (alcohol, codeine), having ADHD (diagnosed Jan 2013), being hyper-sensitive and with a higher than average IQ of 129 I can "think" many weird but less than wonderful things are going on, and think them in short order. My mind is like a giant buzzing ants nest and rest is always at a premium. During active addiction rest was generally alcohol induced and diagnosis of the ADHD impossible. The stimulant medication and recent hypothyroidism and stress also mean that over the past 6 months or so it has not been unusual for me to be awake for at least 2 nights without sleep and occasionally 3. Paranoia rules! All these things have caused me a great deal of anguish as well as others, particularly the women I have had relationships with after I left and later divorced my ex-wife in May 2008. The latest of these (I shall call Francesca to protect her anonymity) I fell very deeply in love with but ended only a week ago because I felt I was getting worse and she was suffering too. You can love someone enough to set them free. It's not widely understood but it was for the best. In hindsight I wasn't ready for a relationship, unfortunately that is one of those things you can only realise in a relationship but I have the strength to walk away if it's right despite the pain. Funnily enough it isn't the missing her that is my main source of hurt. It's my perception that I was misunderstood, but maybe that's it, I am misunderstood!
That is a brief overview of where I am, somewhere and nowhere. I am currently unemployed on sickness pay and studying for a University Certificate in Counselling skills which I hope will either lead onto the professional qualification or a Masters. First though and after Christmas I need to discuss with lecturers what they think I should do as my attendance has been patchy due to illness and I am considering deferring and starting the course again next year when I hope I can give it my full attention. Other very quick things about me; I live in South Cheshire, my house is going up for sale and thus I am staying at my parents, I have two wonderful boys Josh and Jake 10 and 7 respectively (live with their mum and her new husband Steve) my parents are both retired, I am a Parish Councillor. I was a Police Officer for 11 years, a Sergeant for 6 of them and have a degree in Biomedical Sciences from Liverpool JMU. I have been drug and alcohol free for a few years although recently have had to use a small quantity of codeine daily for pain relief. This is closely monitored.
I will rest here and add here and there. I will begin by going right the way back to childhood and share just a few little snapshots that I remember. I wish to concentrate less on the circumstance and more on how I remember feeling back then and will endeavour to keep it as brief but interesting as possible - a feet I rarely achieve!
As a child I was raised as a Roman Catholic. I now feel a little sympathy for my mum in that respect because I didn't make that easy. None of it really added up to me and my little mind was always picking up on points I wasn't happy with and firing awkward questions at my mum who probably wished she'd spruced up on her Biblical knowledge or just left me at home! Her solution outwitted me and I served on the altar at the local parish church for a few years (how many I do not remember) and was later joined by my younger brother James whose issue wasn't so much questions but just being a terrible fidgit and annoying the hell out of her. Simple but effective.
Back then we had to wear big white casacs with white rope like belts. After the service when Father Leonard had retired to his vicarage adjoining the church; James and I would help ourselves to handfuls of host (the white circular "bread" made at a nunnery) stuff our sizable casac pockets with them repeating the mantra; "body of Christ" and the response of "Amen" to one another (as during the practice of Communion.) Aside from theft I don't know whether we were committing some theological crime but we were unconcerned and continued every Sunday until we left. Father Leonard enjoyed the odd tipple so he never mentioned to us that the host appeared to be eating itself! Some kids went to the park on a Sunday and my brother and I acted out a sacred and cherished ritual of a religious ceremony with stolen items which in Roman Catholicism are believed to be transformed into the body of Christ by the priest during the service. What the host is before becoming the body of Christ I do not know. It was a question I never thought to ask but wish I had.
Even as a young boy I can remember being very sensitive and worrying both about and for other people. Other peoples' insistance that I would do well with the brains I had been given did nothing to persuade me. I know I didn't feel clever (whatever that is meant to feel like) and I now recognise that this lack of self-belief was to plague me for many years. Even then I was prone to dwelling on my perceived inadequacies rather than my strengths which I wasn't at all sure I had. Had I been more confident i'm not sure things would have turned out any better in any case; differently maybe but better I don't know. I do know that this lack of self-belief didn't help me, leading to years of feeling like a perpetual under achiever. I see it differently now for two reasons, namely; you can't have under achieved until you look back on your death bed when it really is too late, and, it has led me along a path where I felt it necessary to change and in doing so accept who I am and that there may be a purpose to all that has gone before. Not a point of view that many subscribe to, or even think about but necessary for me to change for the better.
